Missione Una: Help Ezio
by The Derpssassins
Summary: La Volpe needs to get supplies to Ezio, and fast. The problem is the only Assassins around are the most useless, most retarded Assassins in the whole Order. Desperate times call for desperate measures. Rated for crack and a little m/m at the end.


**Disclaimer:** WE OWN NOTHING. Minus the horses, Fausto, Ottavio, Ezio [of the canine variety, and Affonso. Also, there is mild m/m at the end. It's just a little clear hinting at stuff. Don't flip your shit. Just a forewarning for the idiots who don't pay attention to the summaries. [Why you'd even be here if you didn't read the summary I don't know but whatever. People are weird.]

Yes, it is a crackfic. Don't be scared; enjoy it. It's amusing. Also, I don't know ANY Italian so if the Italian is wrong or whatever, blame the translator. I used a free online one. |3

**KEY:**

_Mio amico: _my friend

_Mio dio: _my god

_Mio amore: _my love

_Idiota: _Idiot

_scende dal mio cavallo: _get off my horse

_Sono sul mio cavallo: _I'm on my horse.

ON WITH THE STORY!

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><p>Now that he thought about it, it probably hadn't been such a great idea to send those novice assassins to help Ezio. Really, it was a bad idea. While the novices never really got hurt or anything, they had a bit of trouble getting missions completed to the high standards of the Brotherhood. A lot of trouble. He should have waited. Just a couple more days and there would be better, more trustworthy Assassins ready to take on the rather important mission. <em>But<em>, said his conscience, _if you waited just two days Ezio could very well be dead by the time help got to him. While they aren't very good, they're better than nothing. And since they seem impossible to kill, maybe they'll actually make it to him- unlike the others you sent before._ La Volpe sighed. He had to rely on those idiots to get the job done. God, please let their stupid luck carry through this mission too.

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><p>"Oi, Ottavio, can't you ride a horse? Mami is kicking your ass!" Grinned Fausto, watching as the spirited chestnut mare bucked again, trying to unseat her poor rider. Ottavio glared at Fausto only to yelp loudly as Mami snapped her head around and chomped down on his toes. He kicked her nose and yanked her head back around, trying to get her under control. "I'd like to see you do better with her, Mr. Lucky!" Snarled the masked novice, Fausto laughing loudly under his hood. He patted his own steed's neck, the large but pleasant dark-socked bay nickering softly and trotting along happily.<p>

"I think not, _mio amico._" Snickered the higher-ranked Assassin, laughing to himself as Mami started side-stepping up the road, tossing her head and tail fitfully and bowing her back angrily. Ottavio made an unintelligible and highly frustrated sound, pulling Mami's head this way and that in an attempt to get her under control. Mami merely threw her head down towards the ground before tossing it back up, throwing herself up onto her back hooves at the same time. "SHIT!" Yelled the novice, Fausto falling forward onto his stallion's neck as he laughed to the point of tears.

"_Mio dio!_" Howled Fausto, barely able to watch as Mami slammed her front hooves into the ground with enough force to sink them an inch or so into the solid dirt only to kick her back legs high into the air. Ottavio shrieked, clinging to his bucking horse to the best of his ability. Crying now, Fausto laid on the bay's neck, gasping for breath and laughing at the same time. "Oh god, that's priceless. _Mio amico,_ do you need any help? I'm sure my Brutus can help keep her straight if you'd like the help." Offered the Master novice, Brutus looking over his shoulder at his rider then at the smaller mare with a look of resignation. Ottavio, managing to stay on Mami's back by pure terror locking his muscles, shot his fellow Assassin a pleading glare that sent the man back into a fit of laughter. "What do you think _idiota_?" He snapped, Fausto chuckling as he brought Brutus up close to the furious mares side and, reaching out quickly, grabbed the side of her bridle as she started to rear and _yanked._ Mami let out a surprised yell, dropping back down to all four, only to snort angrily and snap at Fausto's arm. Brutus, pinning his ears back, rammed his head into hers with a short, angry whinny before drawing himself up to his full height and snapping at her. Mami pinned her ears back, pawing at the ground angrily, and snorted. Brutus knocked heads with her again, making Fausto snort with laughter as the mare shook her head, for once not looking pissed off. Ottavio glared at the back of the mare's head then at Fausto. "Bastard. You couldn't do that earlier?" He snapped. Fausto just smiled at him, his eyes hidden by the shadows of his hood. "Nope! Now, let us be on our way. We've got to get this stuff to the Master before he ends up dead. That would suck." Tapping his heels against Brutus' sides, Fausto turned his horse back towards the road and pulled on Mami's bridle. The mare bared her teeth but followed after a moment, Fausto releasing the leather to take up his reins.

Tossing a grin over his shoulder at Ottavio, he dug his heels into Brutus' sides and let out a yell as the stallion took off into a dead run. Mami, being the competitive horse she was, snorted and bolted after them, not caring that she almost flipped her rider off her back. Grabbing a fistful of mane and rein and yanking himself forward, Ottavio snarled out a furious, unintelligible string of insults at his partner who just tossed his head back and laughed.

It was Ottavio's turn to laugh as, rounding a corner, he found both Fausto and Brutus crashing into a scrambling mass of roving guards, all of them screaming. "Hahaha! Karma is a bitch, _mio amico_!" Laughed Ottavio, Mami looking rightfully evil as she stretched her neck as far as she could and chomped down on a guard's sword arm and yanked, making the man screech and beat at her face with his other hand. "Oi! Don't hit Mami!" Snapped Ottavio, looking for something to throw at the man. Mami, pinning her ears back angrily, stomped on the man's knee with a hoof, making him reach down with his free hand to clutch it, sobbing with the pain. "Oh god, it _hurts!_" Cried the guard, Ottavio ignoring him in favor of watching Fausto sit up and rub his head, his hood off for once. Brutus rose to his feet with a dazed look, shaking his head a couple of times before head butting a soldier that was reaching for his bridle. Fausto, seeming to realize where he was, blinked and grabbed the hilt of his short sword. "Oh shit. Get ready Brutus." The horse spread his legs and thrust his head out, baring his teeth threateningly.

Drawing the blade, he spread his feet to get his base only to turn around and run as Brutus suddenly reared, spinning and took off. "Hey, wait for me dammit horse!" Yelled Fausto, reaching out and grabbing the reins and pulling the stallion around. As he pulled himself up onto his stallion he saw Mami happily prancing her way to him, stomping hard on any and every guard within a ten foot radius of her. Ottavio, grinning for once, sat on her back and whacked guards in the head with his mace. For the first time since they left the city, Mami and Ottavio got along, both happily bashing guards' heads in with their weapons on choice. Fausto snorted, snickering, and used the broad side of his short sword to hit a guard upside the head, rattling his helmet and knocking the man out.

A flash a movement from on top of the rock wall caught his attention and, looking upwards, he found an archer trying to lock on to Ottavio and Mami. Frowning, Fausto looked from his short sword to the archer and back again before sheathing it and reaching into the saddlebags for something to chuck. He ignored the throwing knives and other small, easy-to-throw weapons, frown getting bigger the entire time. A quick glance at Ottavio showed he and Mami happily dancing around a group of pissed and mildly frightened guards, and another glance at the archer showed him trying -and failing- to get a good shot of either horse or rider. He didn't seem to realize that Fausto was there or that he had just found something good to throw.

Holding up the small package, Fausto stood up as best as he could in his saddle and threw the package as hard as he could, the small brown box sailing through the air and ramming into the archer's head. Fausto cheered as the archer collapsed before realizing that he had just thrown the package that he was supposed to be delivering up a cliff face. "Awwwwww, man. I don't wanna go get it!" He whined, Ottavio trotting up with a self-satisfied little smirk on his face. "Don't wanna go get what?" He asked, Fausto pouting and pointing up to where they could see the lump of unconscious archer. "He was gonna shoot you and Mami so I threw the package at him." Moped the Master novice, Ottavio blinking. "You mean the package we're supposed to be delivering to the Master?" At Fausto's pitiful nod, Ottavio busted out laughing. "Idiot! Why didn't you throw one of the brushes at him?" Snickered the assassin, Fausto scowling at him. "I couldn't find them! Would you rather I just let him shoot you? That's what I'll do next time, you ingrate." Snapped Fausto, turning Brutus towards the wall and stopping him parallel to it. "Stay." He ordered before pulling himself off his horse and climbing up the wall, pout firmly on his face and hood still pulled down. He climbed up the wall quickly and, pulling himself over the edge, he grabbed the package and stuffed it into his robes, between the dark undershirt and light vest.

As he turned back to the wall he frowned, hating the getting down part. He could climb up, up, up without a problem in the world but ask him to get back down and you had some problems. Because, bad as it was, he was scared of heights. He could climb up and up without a problem so long as he never looked down. But ask him to climb back down - or even jump, as he had to do many a time - and he turned into a novice preparing to do his first Leap of Faith.

Whining at the back of his throat, Fausto sat down on the ledge and looked down at where he could see Brutus and Mami happily grazing, Ottavio looking around in a seemingly bored manner. Fausto whined a little louder and Ottavio chose that moment to look up, raising a brow at his partner although it was hard to see it behind the mask and hood. "Are you going to come down any time soon, Fausto?" Called the smaller Assassin, Fausto gulping and nodding. "Y-yeah. Just gimme a minute." He stuttered, slowly turning around and beginning the slow process of climbing down. After a grueling twenty minutes, he made it down the twenty foot cliff face and stood up, dusting his hands off on his robes. "About time, Fausto. What, are you scared of heights or something?" Jeered Ottavio, Fausto sneering at him and starting for Brutus. It took him a moment but after realizing that there were boots already in his stirrups, Fausto looked up and saw Ottavio grinning down at him happily. "And to think you like to ride the biggest horses the Brotherhood has to offer. You're weird." Added the novice, Fausto growling in annoyance.

"Get off my horse, Ottavio! Get on your own!" Glared the irate, hoodless Assassin. Ottavio shot him an innocent look. "But I am on my horse, Fausto." He said. Fausto snarled. "_Ottavio, scende dal mio cavallo._" Fausto growled, the angry Italian words falling off his tongue sharply. Ottavio rolled his eyes. "I'm not on your horse, brother. _Sono sul mio cavallo_." Looking back the way they came, he sighed and said, "More guards are coming, Fausto. Let's get going before we have to fight with them." Slapping Ottavio's leg hard, Fausto walked over to Mami and, before the mare could even attempt to nip him, swung himself up into her saddle and pulled her around in a tight circle. "Fine. We need to get to the Master anyways."

They rode for a few good hours with nothing other than mild banter before spotting more trouble, this time in the form of a few Templars. Almost at the same time, Fausto and Ottavio sneered and said, "Ewww, Templars." Even Mami and Brutus seemed to snort their displeasure at seeing the men. "Can we run them over?" Asked Ottavio, Fausto stopping Mami to stare at the Templars. "Naw, we'd only kill two of them. You see that ledge up there though? That boulder looks pretty unstable. Dropping it on them sounds like a lot of fun, too." Grinned the Master, Ottavio snickering and hi-fiving him. "I like the way you think, Fausto. Alright, how are we going to keep them there while we push the boulder over onto them?" Fausto grinned from ear to ear then. "Mami likes to keep things in a tight circle so that she can play with them at will, right? I figure she can do the same to them. And if we tell Brutus to follow her lead you know he will. We'll just call them away before we drop the boulder on them." Ottavio laughed and they adjusted their path so that instead of heading towards the small group of Templars they were headed instead for the bottom of the ledge.

Stopping out of sight, both Assassins climbed off their horses and, after telling Mami to go play with the Templars and Brutus to do as she did, ran up to the top of the ledge. Peering over the other side, they were pleased to see Mami and Brutus happily prancing around the Templars in a small circle. Whenever one of the Templars would reach out to grab at their reins or bridle they would dance just out of reach or snap quickly at the hand before pushing back in to keep them in a small area beneath the boulder.

Stepping back from the ledge, Fausto and Ottavio grinned at each other and began pushing the boulder towards the edge. Luckily it was close and loose and so it rolled easily. Just before it plummeted over the edge, Fausto whistled loudly and both Mami and Brutus tore away from the group of Templars as if the devil himself were on their heels. Confused, the Templars just stood there.

"Hey, why's it so da-AAAAHHHHHH!" There was a loud crash and lots of crunching as the boulder crashed down on top of the five Templars, crushing them all into the ground and killing most of them instantly. The few who were just mortally wounded screamed agonizingly, twisting and writhing as much as they could under the massive boulder. By the time Fausto and Ottavio, back on their respective horses, made it around to the smashed group only one was still alive and he was groaning feebly as a fluffy little black puppy smothered his face with licks and nips.

"Well, that's strange. What's a puppy doing out here?" Said Fausto, climbing down off Brutus' back and scooping the puppy up. Instantly it started flailing, barking and yelping in a high shrill tone. Fausto ignored it and hopped back up into his saddle, Mami looking like she was about to bite the dog. Brutus smacked her with his tail, shooting her a look that said 'bite that puppy and I will kick you so hard you'll think you're a filly again.' Mami snorted but turned away from the puppy nonetheless. "You gonna keep it?" Asked Ottavio, Fausto kicking Brutus along while holding the puppy up. "Him. Yep. I'mma keep him. Now, what should I call you little fella?" Fausto eyed the puppy seriously before grinning from ear to ear and exclaiming, "I'm gonna call you Ezio!" Ottavio laughed. "Perfect! Little Ezio! We should train him and take him on all of our missions with us! He could be our own little attack dog!" Said Ottavio, Fausto laughing and nodding. "That sounds like a great idea! Ezio, we'll make you a big, bad Assassin dog and you'll come fight with us! It's gonna be great!"

"Oh, hey! Look Fausto! It's the Master!" Pointing ahead to where they could clearly see Ezio and Leonardo sharing a horse, they kicked their horses into gallops and yelled, "Master! Master!" Leonardo looked confused as he looked over Ezio's shoulder, the Master Assassin stopping his horse and turning halfway around in the saddle. His hood was down, making it possible for people to see him raise an eyebrow curiously. "What is it, brothers?" He asked as they skidded to a stop beside him. Fausto quickly reached into his tunic and pulled out the crumpled package. Beside him, Ottavio dug frantically around in his saddlebags, Mami irritably nipping at his feet only to get kicked in the nose. "Master, we were told you bring these to you with the utmost urgency." Said Fausto, handing the package over. Ottavio handed his over quickly, Ezio opening them and tucking them away quickly with a very slight flush on his cheeks.

Little Ezio growled at Fausto, wiggling and flailing fiercely despite his small stature. Leonardo gasped with delight and looked at Fausto pleadingly. "Can I hold him? He's such a beautiful little dog!" Asked the artist, Fausto grinning and holding the flailing puppy out to him. "Sure!" Smiling happily, Leonardo grabbed the puppy and stroked his fur soothingly, cooing soft words to it. After a few moments of snarling and wiggling Little Ezio calmed down and tucked his nose into Leonardo's side, falling asleep quickly. "Have you come up with a name for him yet?" Asked Leonardo, Fausto and Ottavio nodding with twin grins. "We named him Ezio!" They crowed shamelessly, Ezio blinking in confusion while Leonardo laughed. "What a fantastic name for such a little fighter! It certainly fits him." Chuckled the artist, Ezio sighing heavily and dragging a hand over his face. Without even looking at the Assassins, he pointed in a random direction and ground out, "Go. Away." Fausto reached out for Little Ezio, Leonardo handing the sleepy puppy over a little sadly. He stroked the puppy's head affectionately before Fausto and Ottavio pulled their horses away, chirping a bright, "Yes Master!" and went back the way they came.

After realizing there was a straight road from where they were back to the city, they raced their horses back and got back in a quarter of the time it took them to get out there. When they got back they found La Volpe trying not to put his head through the desk and several empty wine bottles lying around the office. By the time they were done reporting what all had happened to him, he was finishing off another bottle.

"I wonder what the Master needed so much oil for."

"Maybe he's going to do a lot of cooking?"

"Maybe da Vinci is going to teach the Master how to cook."

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><p>Later that night found Ezio and Leonardo tangled together in messy sheets, the slighter artist curled into Ezio's side. "Ezio, who were those Assassins that brought our supplies? They seemed so sweet. And I'd love to see that puppy again." Asked Leonardo, his fingers ghosting across Ezio's muscled stomach absently. Ezio sighed, running his hand up and down his artists' back and side slowly. "They are Fausto and Ottavio, two of our most ridiculous and luckiest Assassins. There must not have been anyone else around if they were sent. And I've never seen that puppy before. They must have picked it up some time on their way to us." He replied, Leonardo pouting. "Well, if you could get them to bring the puppy over to my workshop one day I'd be ever grateful. That little darling was just adorable. I'd love to see him grow up." Leonardo smiled up at Ezio, the Assassin looking down at him and giving him a soft smile. "I'll make sure you see that puppy again, <em>mio amore.<em>" Grinning happily, Leonardo propped himself up and pecked Ezio on the lips. "Thank you, Ezio." Ezio shook his head. "It is no problem, Leo. I am just surprised that La Volpe thought it was so important to get our supplies to me that he couldn't wait a few days for someone who knows how to be an Assassin to deliver it to me." He said, chuckling lightly.

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><p>MISSION ONE, COMPLETE! Somehow.<p>

I hope you all enjoyed that. There will be more coming, too. The author will flip flop between three different people [shortly. For the first few stories it'll just be two different people.] so don't be surprised if the writing styles differ. We're three different people, yo. We write differently.

Love and hugs! Tootles! =3


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